The Mike McAllery FanClub FanFic
by turnofftheradio
Summary: Elizabeth tells Jessica about what went on between her and Mike. Chaos then occurs, Sweet Valley style. Written by me, dropit, and Usagi on the SVH board.
1. It All Begins

"Liz, you stole my husband!"  
"But you weren't married anymore."  
"Fine, you nicked my boyfriend!"  
"Err...you weren't dating anymore either."

Jessica Wakefield was angry. Her twin had taken Mike from her. She had decided to stop mourning Nick to deal with the problem. So, she called her brother, Steven, for help. When he picked up, she started to cry.

"Steve, Liz stole my boyfriend!"  
"Mhm."  
"What are you gonna do about it?"  
"Nothing."  
"Why not?!"  
"You're lying. Nick's dead."  
"Not Nick! Mike!"  
"I'm glad he's moved on. I wish it was with someone who wasn't your twin. I'm not dealing with this."  
"But he's my husband."  
"You were the one that got an annulment, Jess."  
"Why won't she stop stealing my men!?"

Steven had refused to help her. Fortunately, her best friend was a phone call away. Lila always listened to her.

"Lila, Liz keeps nicking my men!"  
"Didn't you like make out with Todd countless times behind her back?"  
"That's not the point. They weren't married!"  
"Married? Wait we are talking about Nick here, aren't we?"  
"Lila, get with the program. I'm taking a few minutes off mourning Nick to make Liz look like a terrible sister. It's Mike!"  
"I thought you'd finished with him ages ago."  
"Still, I had him first!"  
"Sorry Jessica, I can't talk right now. I'm busy with Bruce; call back in a few hours."

Lila didn't understand. Liz was paying for the phone bill, so she decided to call Isabella, in Europe.

"Hello, this is Isabella Ricci."  
"Izzy! Mike's betraying me with Liz!"  
"Who is this?"  
"Jessica Wakefield! Your BFF!"  
"Who is Mike?"  
"My husband."  
"And this Liz?"  
"My twin."  
"**Even though I have no clue who the Hell any of you are**, I think that you should totally dump him."  
"I'm glad you agree with me Izzy!"  
"I have to go now, Jessica. Good bye."  
"Love ya!"

Finally, someone agreed with her! She decided to drive to Mike's apartment to deliver the news to him. Mike lived below her big brother and his girlfriend, Billie. Jessica liked to annoy them. She could see Billie glaring at her from her bedroom window. Jessica raced into Mike's apartment without knocking. Mike jumped up in surprise.

"Jess, what are you doing here?"  
"I've just come here to dump you."  
"Err... are you alright?"  
"I will be once I've dumped you."  
"Ok, then, I'm dumped. Now are you sure you haven't taken too many of those happy pills you're on?"  
"Of course I haven't. Isabella told me to dump you."  
"Oh, wow, big change there then."  
"Stop being sarcastic. I'm dumping you remember."  
"Ok, even though we're not going out, why am I being dumped?"  
"Liz told me about you and her."  
"Me and... Hang on, how did you know where I live? I've moved since we were together."  
"Oh, Liz told me, after I threatened to tell everyone about it. Not that stopped me telling everyone of course..."

"Who did you tell?"

"Lila, Isabella, Steven. I'm not finished yet though."  
"My life is none of those people's business!"  
"You're friends with Steven, Izzy doesn't even remember you-"  
"You're just pissed because I've moved on! You've had plenty of other loves, why can I?"  
"You don't love Liz. You're going to use her, just like with me!"  
"I don't notice you with Nick anymore. He wasn't good enough?"  
"Nick's dead you jackass!"  
"Oh...I'm sorry Jess."

"So you should be sorry!"  
"Still... the sex was better with me, right?"  
"Mike!"  
"Ok, I'm sorry for the comment about Nick."  
"I just don't understand how you could like Liz. I mean I know she's nice and caring and I'm selfish and spiteful, but I'm the pretty one!"  
"It was just one of those things. It's not like I even got any action in the end."  
"So you still like me better?"  
"Well ...um...like you said you're the ...uh ... pretty one."  
"Ok as long as you like me better."  
"Of course, and if we're going to break up, maybe we could have some make up sex first. You know, if you felt so inclined..."

"But it would disgrace Nick's memory."

"Please, Jess."  
"Sure."

To be honest, Jessica didn't much care about Nick. She only liked aggravating Mike. It was almost better than annoying her family. She could hear Steven and Billie talking about her in their upstairs apartment. She enjoyed the attention.

"Billie, Jessica gone off on a rampage because she's found Mike's been seeing Liz."  
"He's been what ...?"  
"Oh, you know, apparently one of my sisters isn't enough for him!"  
"Geez, Steven, ever since I met you, your sisters have been a pain in the butt. It all started with the Margo thing remember."  
"Yeah, I remember. That was a great time..."  
"Steven, she was trying to kill your sisters!"  
"I wasn't thinking about that, I was thinking about meeting you."  
"Aww, that's sweet."  
"What are we going to do with Jessica, though?"  
"Who the hell cares, you look darn hot in that shirt."

Elizabeth pulled into a parking space next to a car that looked like Jessica's. She didn't think it was, as Jessica would never go after someone Elizabeth had been with. She couldn't believe what she had almost done. She noticed that her brother's door was locked. Her mother had given her a spare key for emergencies. This definitely was one. She slowly opened the door. Maybe they didn't want to be disturbed. She decided that she was always welcomed.

"Oh my God, Liz!"  
"Steven, I've done something terrible."  
"Liz, I'm kind of in the middle of something here."  
"You don't understand..."  
"Liz!"  
"Fine, I'll just go sob to Mike about it. He won't send me away."

Elizabeth closed the door. As she walked away, she decided to call Nina. She would know what Billie and Steven had been doing. She couldn't help overhearing part of their conversation as she walked away.

"She did it again!"  
"She's obviously upset about something, was it wise to let her go to Mike's?"  
"He'll take care of her."  
"He's changed a lot."  
"Now where were we?"

Elizabeth hoped they weren't doing that disgusting thing. She knew Nina could tell her what she had walked in on. She heard Nina pick up on the other end.

"Hey, Liz, what are you calling you for?"  
"You know that Mike I mentioned I was seeing. Well it was Jessica's Mike."  
"Oh, Liz, that doesn't sound like a good thing!"  
"I know but that's not what I'm ringing about. I went to see Steven about it and I think I might just have walked in on him having sex."  
"Were they naked and yell at you for walking in?"  
"Pretty much."  
"Then yeah you did."  
"But Steven doesn't do things like that."  
"How do you think Billie got pregnant?"  
"I sort of figured the clinic did it for her... Anyway I'd better go warn Mike that Jessica knows."  
"Liz, don't you..."  
"Bye, Nina."

Elizabeth never knew that Steven and Billie had had sex. Her mom had said that Billie had gotten pregnant by drinking hot chocolate. Alice Wakefield never lied. She quickly knocked on Mike's door. A disheveled Mike answered. A panicked look came over his face.

"Mike! I need to talk to you!"  
"What?"  
"Jessica knows."  
"I know that Liz."  
"But how?"  
"Jessica came and told me."

"Then how come you're still in one piece?"  
"Well, you know Jess, she's just interested in that Nick guy at the moment."  
"She's seemed pretty angry though."  
"I think she calmed down a little bit."  
"Does this mean she's not going to be after my blood anymore?"  
"I guess so."  
"Can I come in for a coffee? I think I need to calm down from all this stress."  
"Now, might not be the best time."  
"Come on, it won't take a minute."

"No Liz."  
"Why-why not?"  
"It's for your own good."  
"But I need to talk to someone."  
"Go to your brothers then."  
"But, he and Billie were-"  
"I'm sure they can talk to you now. Go."

"I can't."  
"Of course you can. Steven will help you."  
"He's too busy helping Billie right now!"  
"They'll be finished by now, I'm sure."  
"Why are you trying to get rid of me?"  
"I'm not, it's just..."  
"You've got a woman in there, haven't you?"  
"No..."  
"How could you so soon after us?"  
"I haven't got a woman in here."  
"Then you'll let me in, won't you?"

"Fine. I'll let you in."  
"Good."  
"Only so you can call your brother."  
"No!"  
"Why? He can help you. I can't."  
"He's a traitor! A damn traitor! Billie is too!"  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
"He and Billie... I walked in on them."  
"So?"  
"I thought they were virgins!"  
"Like you?"

Elizabeth wondered how Mike knew about that. She hadn't seen her virginity ring in several months.

"Who said I was a virgin?"  
"It got kind of obvious after the four times we didn't do it."  
"Is that all you think about?"  
"Pretty much."  
"Fine I'll come in and call Steven, even if he is sleeping with Billie, at least he doesn't just think with his penis all the time."  
"Wow, you actually know what it's called!"

Trying to contain her tears, Elizabeth ran to Mike's phone. She dialed the number from memory. Their answering machine picked up.

"Hi you've reached Steve and Billie. We don't feel like answering your call right now, but if you leave a message we might get back to you. Later."  
"Hi, it's me, Liz. Look, I was just calling to-"  
"Hello?"  
"Hi Billie."  
"I thought you were going to Mike's."  
"I am at Mike's. I'm coming back."

"What? Why can't you stay there?"  
"Hey!"  
"Sorry, Liz, I mean of course you can come over, if you wanted to take a little detour on the way that wouldn't be a problem though ..."  
"Ok, thanks, Billie, see you in a minute."  
"See, Liz I told you that would sort it. Now let's get you out of here."  
"Ok, Mike, I'm sorry for barging in on you..."  
"Mike, what's taking so long? Are you coming back in or..."

Elizabeth knew that voice. It was her baby sister Jessica. She was appalled.

"Jessica Ann Wakefield! He's your ex husband!"  
"He loves me more."  
'You disgust me!"  
"I can't believe you thought Billie and Steve had never fucked! I thought you were kidding when you asked how she got pregnant!"  
"I'm leaving now. You can't stop me."  
"Bye bye, Lizzie!"

Elizabeth had never been so offended in her life! She decided to go for a drive before going up to her brother's. She thought it might be good to take up smoking. She decided to ring her mother.

"Mom, help!"  
"Elizabeth sweetheart, what is it?"  
"Mom, it's terrible!"  
"What's terrible?"  
"I went to see Steven and Billie and they were having sex!"  
"Oh, Liz is that all? For a moment I thought something was seriously wrong."  
"What do you mean? There is something seriously wrong; I almost took up smoking because of the trauma!"  
"Geez, Liz, take a chill pill."

Elizabeth couldn't believe her mother! She only hoped that Mike was thinking of her. Turning the car around, she headed back to Misoma. She knew Billie and Steven were anxiously waiting.

"That would be Liz."  
"I am so sorry about earlier-"  
"It's fine."  
"No it's not. I feel so bad. I had no clue you two were doing it. I swear, Billie."  
"What? Did you just say you thought we were virgins? I think you need to sit down."  
Liz sits on the couch next to Steven. Steven glances at her.  
"I really wouldn't sit there."  
"Why not?"  
"Why not? You saw what we were doing!"  
"What? The horizontal mumbo jumbo?"

"Exactly"  
"It doesn't matter. Mom told me it's no big deal."  
"You went to tell mom about our sex life?"  
"Well I've had a lot of trauma to deal with today. First you and Billie and then Mike and Jes..."  
"Jes?"  
"Jes-Jessith! This right bitch he's seeing."  
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Liz."  
"Its ok we were over anyway. Is it ok if I use your bathroom?"  
"Sure."  
"Does she think we're stupid?"  
"So Mike and Jessica are sleeping together. I thought she was upset over Nick. Even I'm confused now!"  
"Mike's got a lot of explaining to do."

"Elizabeth...We know Mike is seeing Jessica."  
"You knew? You let me go there knowing that!"  
"What Billie means-"  
"I don't care what Billie means! What if it happens again?"  
"What if what happens again?"  
"What if Billie or Jessica get knocked up?"

Billie and Steven exchanged a glance. Steven thought carefully about how to word a response.

"Come on, Liz, the chances of that are very minimal."  
"But it happened before, didn't it?"  
"We're being careful, it's very unlikely."  
"Why are you being so calm? I thought you'd threaten to beat Mike up or something."  
"After what happened last time I'm letting her make her own decisions."  
"She's just doing it to get back at me!"  
"Well, that's her problem, isn't it?"  
"I suppose."  
"Liz, don't worry. It'll be fine. Billie and I are always careful. And I'm sure Mike and Jessica are being careful too."  
"I agree with Steven, Liz, after all Mike and Jessica are responsible pe...Bloody hell!"

"What is it?"  
"Yeah, Billie. What's wrong?"

"Mike and Jessica responsible people! What on earth was I saying? Liz is right we'd better go stop them!"  
"Calm down, Billie, I'm sure Jessica isn't that stupid!"

Billie leaned over and began to whisper in Steven's ear.

"Remember when she and Elizabeth came to visit when they were in high school?"  
"Unfortunately, yes. Why?"  
"I caught her filling condoms with helium!"  
"She was 16! Is that why you went on the pill?"  
"Yes."  
"I should thank her then."  
"Steven!"

Steven shrugged innocently at Billie.

"I was just saying."  
"If I understood what you guys were getting at I'm sure I'd be appalled!"  
"Liz, be quiet a minute. We're trying to think."  
"Billie, even if Jessica isn't always the most responsible person. I'm sure Mike wouldn't be that daft."  
"You could be right. He's slept with a lot of women and never got one of them pregnant before."  
"Oh thanks for reminding that the guy I just almost slept with is a man whore."  
"Liz!"  
"Anyway I'm sure Mike isn't stupid. He must have at least a few brain cells."  
"The man that married Jessica?"

Steven kissed Billie quickly before continuing his thought.

"He might not use them, but..."  
"I think I was almost raped!"  
"What?"  
"Mike took advantage of me!"  
"Elizabeth..."  
"What?!"  
"I doubt he wanted to rape you. He just thought that he could get some from Jessica's twin."  
"Are you saying Jess is a whore?"  
"Perhaps."  
"Billie! She's made some mistakes but she'd never be that."  
"Liz, perfectly good people can be what you consider whores. Take Billie for an example."

Billie smacked Steven lightly before he continued.

"You're my whore. No one else's. I love you."

"I love you, too."

To the twosome's annoyance, Elizabeth wrecked the moment.

"Guys I think I need to go report him!"  
"Liz, what exactly did Mike do to you?"  
"He kissed me."  
"Liz, I don't ..."  
"Really passionate kisses!"  
"Somehow I don't think the police will be interested in your case, Liz."  
"I feel so violated! He just ran off to bang my identical twin!"  
"Didn't you end it, Liz?"  
"That's not the point..."

"She sounds like Jessica!"

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"It wouldn't be the first time."  
"What?"  
"You were blowing up our condoms too."  
"Those were balloons! Made by the Trojan company."  
"Who told you they were balloons?"  
"Janet."  
"You asked my ex?"  
"You went out with her for a week. She promised me they were plain balloons."  
"Thanks Liz!"  
"Why are you thanking me! Billie had to go on drugs because of it!"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"The Pill."  
"You don't know what the pill is?"  
"An addictive drug?"  
"Yeah, I'd say it's up there with coke and pot."  
"Those aren't drugs!"  
"Oh really? What are they then?"  
"A soda and cookware."

Steven rolled his eyes at his sister's stupidity. A witty retort came to his mind.

"Oh... and here I was thinking you were an investigative reporter."  
"She does have a point, Steven. I mean they are those things as well."  
"See and people think I'm naive! At least I didn't get married for a month when I was eighteen or get myself knocked up!"  
"Hey!"  
"Well, it's true."  
"It would be kind of difficult to get yourself knocked up when you're more frigid than the pope!"  
"How could you say that to me? You sound just like Tom!"

Billie wasn't really in the mood to be compared to Wildman Watts. She angrily screamed a response.

"Because, it's true. I wish I wasn't quoting Wildman Watts though."  
"He wasn't wild!"  
"Yeah. Just like he wasn't cheating on you."  
"He wouldn't have dared. Except for Dana..."  
"He wasn't dating you then."  
"Who did he cheat on me with then?"  
"Jessica!"  
"Billie, I said not to tell her about that."  
"I wouldn't have if she hadn't made that crack about me!"

Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears, and Billie saw her mouth the word why. Ignoring Steven's pleading looks, Billie decided to tell Elizabeth the truth.

"Well she'd put out and you wouldn't"  
"They were sleeping together?!"  
"I'm sorry."  
"But when Jessica and Mike were married and we went around to theirs for dinner, Mike and Tom got along really well. How could he do that to him?"  
"Well it didn't stop Mike going after you, did it?"  
"How could Jessica do that to me?"  
"Liz, you've known Jessica all your life, have you not realised what kind of person she is yet?"  
"She's a good person. She may lie, cheat and be generally nasty a lot of the time but she's a really good person she is. That's why she around there with Mike just to get back at me not caring about his or my feelings."  
"Ok."  
"What am I saying? I'm not staying here any longer! I'm off the kill her lying bitch arse! I don't care if she's having sex or not!"


	2. Sit Down, You Say

Elizabeth picked up her purse and headed in the direction of the door. She was going to give Jessica a peace of her mind. Jessica had been using her for almost nineteen years. It had to end. Elizabeth whirled around when Billie said to wait. She walked back into the living room to see her brother and Billie sitting next to each other on the couch. Steven was blushing a deep red. She sat on the floor near them.

"What?"  
"We need to talk."  
"About what?"

"Since your parents never chose to give you the talk we think we should."  
"The talk? What talk?"  
"Billie, do we have to?"  
"She thought condoms were balloons, Steven."

"I didn't! That was Jessica and Janet's fault! I was just trying to stop them!"  
"Stop them from doing what?"  
blushing brightly "Wasting your balloons."  
"Ok, maybe we do need to have that talk, Billie."  
"Isn't it funny how we fill the parental role better than her parents?"  
"Well I am the responsible, older brother so it was bound to happen. Ok, Liz, here goes. When two people love each other very much..."

Elizabeth noticed Steven's blush deepen. Waiting for her response, he stretched like a cat. Elizabeth stayed silent. Her embarrassment grew when Steven snuggled up next to Billie, lying down so his head was in her lap. She quietly whispered her response.

"They share chaste kisses?"  
"No. They decide that they want to take their relationship to the next level."  
"Light snogging?"  
"No, Elizabeth. Having sex."  
"Not all couples who love each other do that."

Elizabeth disagreed with that statement. She had been in love plenty of times and she certainly had never had sex. Sex was disgusting. She didn't understand why her brother enjoyed it. Or Billie for that matter. Elizabeth's hopes of an agreement were dashed when Billie spoke.

"You and Todd don't count."  
"How about me and Jeffery, then?"  
"No! None of them count!"

"Then there was me and Tom, and me..."  
"No, Liz, you and anybody doesn't count."  
"Why not?"  
"It just doesn't, ok?"  
"Right so let me get this straight. You're saying that when people love each other, they start having sex?"

"Yes."

"And you said Tom and Jessica were having sex?"

"Err...right."

"So does that Tom and Jess love each other?"

"Oh god, this is going to take a lot of explaining! On seconds thoughts maybe you should just go find Jessica, I'm sure Mike can't last that long."

Billie ran a hand through Steven's hair and mouthed but you can. She could see Elizabeth turning a shade of red to rival Steven as he casually kissed Billie's inner thigh. She gave him a private smile as Elizabeth spoke.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh my God!"

"What?"

"Didn't your school offer a sex ed course?"

"No."

"Your friends didn't talk about it?"

"Well the Unicorns did but..."

"Steven, what the hell is a Unicorn?!"

"Long story. I'll tell you later."

"They were the most popular girls in school."

"You weren't part of their group?"

"I hated them. Especially Janet Howell."

Billie was temporally speechless. Steven looked up at her in concern. She drew a deep breath and began to talk.

"But I thought Liz was one of the most popular girls in school."

"I was."

"Do you lot have to have such confusing lives!"

"It's simple Billie. Jessica and Elizabeth were both extremely popular through out school but they were different kinds of popular. Liz was popular because she's nice and sympathetic and Jessica was popular because ...uh... well. Jessica was popular as well. She was the one who hung out with the Unicorns."

"Didn't you talk about sex with Enid or one of your friends?"

"Don't be stupid Enid, I mean Alex, is a virgin like me."

"Liz I don't think she is."

"Now you're just making stuff up. Next you'll be telling me she almost had sex with Todd or something."

"You mean you didn't know?"

Billie made a gun signal with Steven's fingers and held it to her head, jokingly. It didn't surprise her that Liz was generally misinformed, but the Alex and Todd situation had been fairly obvious.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
"Well, if a man and a woman get trashed together..."  
"They have headaches the next morning."  
"What?! Elizabeth!"  
"They both wake up with hangovers and run into each other at the campus health center."  
"I think I know why your parents never gave her the talk."

"I really don't know why you're making all this stuff up."  
"We're not making it up it's true."  
"No, it isn't!"  
"I don't understand, Liz."  
"What don't you understand?"  
"Well you knew Mike and Jessica had slept together, right?"  
"Yes."  
"So why did you think they'd slept together but not us or Alex and her boyfriends?"  
"Well they were married. Of course they were having sex."  
"You think Mike and Jessica didn't have sex until they were married?"  
"Of course."  
"Ok."

Billie couldn't resist rolling her eyes. Elizabeth sternly wagged a finger at her, reminding Billie of a spinster librarian.

"I think that everyone should be a virgin until they enter a formal commitment."  
"In your world, how exactly did I become pregnant?"  
"You and Steven drinking hot chocolate."

"Excuse me? You thought that I became pregnant by drinking HOT CHOCOLATE?"  
"That's what Mom said when I asked her."  
"Mom said that Billie got knocked up by drinking hot chocolate?"  
"She tried to explain it some other ways, but I didn't understand them."

"What were the other ways?!"

"I don't know!"

"I am never drinking hot chocolate again!"

"You can if you're careful."

"Steven! Deal with her! Now."

Steven cleared his throat as he racked his brain for something to say.

"Liz, didn't any of your boyfriends talk to you about sex?"  
"Well, Todd dumped me for not giving him any, and Tom went with Dana pretty much because I wouldn't give him any, but no I don't think they were bothered about it either."  
"Todd dumping you so he could have sex with Lauren didn't make you think he might have been a little bothered?"  
"No."

Billie whispered to Steven in disgust.

"Steve, if this is how difficult it is to talk to children you're having the snip!"

"I am not a child! Can I find my lying, two bit, identical twin now?"

Steven and Billie stared at each other for a few minutes before responding.

"Fine. But, we're coming with."

"Okay! Billie?"

"Yes?"

"What's the snip?"

"You know like when you cut paper ... oh don't worry about it, Liz. It's just a way to stop people getting pregnant."

"Did you ever have sex with Steve in my room?"  
"Well, yes."  
"What?! How dare you!"  
"It was on Jessica's bed."

"Billie, I have another question."  
"What is it Liz?"  
"When I was seeing Todd, he said something about how a threesome with me and Jess would be hot. I never really got what he meant."

Billie turned pale and placed her hand over her mouth. Steven looked at her in concern as she waved him off. She slowly returned to her normal colouring.

"It's nothing Liz."  
"Have you ever had one?"  
"No, Elizabeth. I bet your mom has though."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. You should ask her about it."  
"Okay."

As Elizabeth dialed the phone number, Billie breathed a sigh of relief. She mentally took threesomes off the list of what turned her on. Alice answered on the other end, and Elizabeth nearly squealed.

"Hello, this is Alice."  
"Hi Mommy!"  
"Are you regressing again dear?"  
"No, Mommy. Why did you have a threesome?"  
"How did you know about that?!"  
"The little people inside my head told me."

"Alright then, well, it's not a big deal, Liz. I had to make up my mind between your father and Hank somehow, didn't I?"  
"I suppose so. So dad must have been better right?"  
"Much better, trust me."  
"Ok, then, Mom, see you later."

Billie felt the beginning of a migraine coming on as she forced herself to ask the question Liz was expecting.

"So what did she say?"  
"Apparently she had one with dad and Hank Patman."  
"Lucky bitch. I always thought your dad was hot."  
"Billie!"  
"It's ok, Steven. It's only because he's reminds me of you."  
"Aww."  
"I still can't believe it."  
"Believe what, Liz?"  
"That mom sat around and drank hot chocolate with two guys."

"No, that's how you get pregnant. You don't get pregnant from threesomes."

"I don't understand."

"Never mind."  
"Do you think I'm pregnant?"  
"What?! How?"  
"I've drunk hot chocolate recently."

Billie rubbed her forehead in a desperate attempt to get rid of her headache. She tended to get them when she was forced to be with any Wakefield other than Steven for prolonged periods. This was definitely a prolonged period. Billie let out a sigh.

"I think she's delusional, Steve."  
"She's been that way since the accident."  
"What one?"  
"With Todd's motorcycle. We don't like to talk about it."  
"I can see why."

"That was a really traumatic experience."  
"Ok, Liz, I'm sorry."  
"Would you all prefer it if I stayed like Jessica?"

"Todd probably would, at least he'd have gotten some."  
"Billie!"  
"Ok, sorry again."

Jessica and Mike were having sex. Billie could hear the loud moans coming from the apartment. Elizabeth looked confused. Billie felt her headache growing.

"What on earth is all that noise?"

Billie pushed Steven on to the floor. Straddling him, she tried to ignore Liz. Pressing herself against Steven's warm body, she enjoyed the feeling of being in his arms. As her headache began to fade away, she started whispering to him.

"Please, tell me that she's not the norm for freshmen that come up here."  
"She's not."  
"Elizabeth, Jessica and Mike are enjoying having sex."  
"But that's morally wrong."  
"Elizabeth! If you honestly think that sex is so wrong for yourself and other people, then maybe you should become a Sister."  
"I'm all ready Steven's and Jessica's."

Billie was beginning to see why poor William White went insane. Being with Elizabeth could do that to a person. Billie could feel her headache return.

"Not that type of sister. A bride of Christ!"  
"You know someone whose last name is Christ?"

Billie closed her eyes and let Steven massage her back. When he suddenly stopped, she raised her head and sighed.

"You can handle this."  
"Liz, what Billie means is that she thinks you should become a nun."  
"A what?"  
"A nun, Liz. Like Miss Clavel from Madeline."

"I couldn't become a nun, they'd never accept me! Tom felt up my bra once!"  
"Somehow I don't think that would be too much of a problem."  
"You see the problem is that even if I became a nun it wouldn't stop every guy on the planet wanting me because I'm a Wakefield and all the guys love the Wakefields."  
"What makes you think that?"  
"Well, every guy we dump ends up pining after us or going after the other twin to try and move on from the twin that dumped them."  
"Oh."  
"You see, Tom's miserable because I dumped him, Todd's never completely forgotten about me, and now Mike's kissed me a few times he'll never move on either."  
"Somehow I think he might have moved on now."

As much as Steven hated to agree with the likes of his sisters, Elizabeth did have a point. He knew it was a scary thought and that Billie most likely wouldn't agree. He loved Billie. She loved him. She was so beautiful… He hated to do it.

"She does have a point Billie."  
"What?!"  
"Mike is in there fucking Jessica."  
"Who was who he wanted in the first place."  
"That's a lie! He said he wanted me!"  
"You were just a substitute for Jess, and when you wouldn't put out-"  
"What are you trying to say? I should have sacrificed myself for a man?"

Steven fell victim to a venomous glare directed at him by Billie. He didn't want Billie to be mad at him. He always fucked everything up.

"No of course not but..."  
"But what?"  
"Well, maybe if you didn't yell at every guy for suggesting you might have sex then your relationships might last a little longer."  
"That's not true. Jessica sleeps with guys and her relationships never last either."  
"Yeah but that's because Jessica is a bitch."  
"Hey!"

Steven felt intense pain as the door opened on his open palm. Gritting his teeth, he greeted Jessica. Mike was no where to be seen.

"Oh, hey Jessica."  
"Are you lot still trying to dictate my life?"  
"No. Of course not."  
"Good. What are you staring at, Lizzie?"  
"Mike hurt Jessica!"  
"Elizabeth!"  
"He did! Can't you see the marks on her face and neck Steve?"  
"Those are hickeys Liz."

"But look Mike's got marks all over him, too. They've been fighting."  
"No, we haven't."  
"Then what have you been doing?"  
"Just making up before I dump him again... Mike, keep your hands to yourself!"  
"No way, I want you now."  
"Oh god you look hot ... bye guys."

Jessica shut the door to Steven's relief. His hand was bright red and it felt like it was on fire. Billie noticed him clutching it in pain and sat up to tend to it. He saw Liz turn red with anger.

"You can't just ignore me! Who the hell do they think they are?"

"What are you talking about?"  
"Jessica should be mourning Nick. Not hooking up with her ex."  
"Jessica mourns?"  
"Of course."  
"Who, exactly, has she mourned?"  
"Well there was Christian."  
"The gang death? Doesn't count."  
"She mourned Louis."  
"She hooked up with Mike two days later!"  
"Sam. She mourned Sam."  
"Who?"  
"He died before you met Steve."

Billie rolled her eyes. She had a very different view of what had went on with Sam. Resting her head on Steven's shoulder, she vocalized her concerns.

"Didn't she start dating Todd not longer after."  
"Thanks for reminding me! She did but that was only to escape from the pain of losing Sam."  
"Then she dated a dirt biker called James."  
"Pain too!"  
"Ok, Liz, I'm sure you're right and I'm sure she is mourning Nick too."  
"You're right, she loved him."  
"Of course, I know she really cared for Nick and I'm sure she wouldn't just forget him."

Steven could swear he heard Jessica ask who Nick was, but he ignored the suspicion. Liz tapped him on the shoulder.

"Is Billie pregnant?"

"What?"

"She's resting her head on you."

"She's tired, Liz. Besides, she hasn't had hot chocolate lately."

"That's a relief!"

"Yes, let's forget about the hours of rampant sex Steven and I have had! won't get pregnant unless I drink hot chocolate!"

"I'm glad you're being careful."

"Let's get out of here."

"Can we go to McDonalds?"


	3. I'm Elizabeth Wakefield, I don't lie

Billie was at the point where she would do anything for a moment of peace and a sane conversation. Pulling Steven up with his non injured hand, she nodded in agreement. Elizabeth was quiet for the twenty minute car ride. Billie considered it a great achievement.

"Bruce and Lila are here!"

"Great."

"Can we sit with them?"

"Sure."  
"Where are we going to sit?"  
"You can sit with Lila. Me and Steve are getting food."  
"Okay."  
"Why did you do that?"  
"I needed to get rid of her somehow."  
"She better not say anything stupid to them. The last thing I want is a scene."

"What's the worst she could say?"

"Ok, let's go back over there and see what she's told them. Hi guys, how are you?"  
"Oh you know, still rich!"  
"Well I'm...er... glad about that. So, what have you been up to?"  
"Nothing much. Liz was just filling us in on her day."  
"What exactly did she say?"  
"Oh you know nothing much, just that she's finished an essay and stuff."  
"Oh that's good."  
"And that she walked in on you and Steven having sex and that Jessica's banging Mike again."  
"Liz, how could you?"  
"I'm Elizabeth Wakefield, I don't lie."

Steven knew his sister's hero had always been George Washington. His parents had insisted that her beliefs should get accepted. Steven had no problem with that, except when it embarrassed him. Like now, for example. He had a feeling that Billie was seeing red. He heard her let out an annoyed sigh before responding.

"Did you tell them how you thought I got pregnant by drinking hot chocolate?"  
"No."  
"I thought you said you never lied."  
"They never asked."  
"Lila, did you ask about my sex life?"  
"No. Bruce just asked if she was still a virgin."  
"Not only is she still a virgin, she's still in denial about everyone else."

"I'm not in denial anymore. I know you Steven have sex now. I saw the evidence myself."  
"Well at least we got that one straight."  
"And I guess mom and dad must have had sex because they are married and Tom and Dana because of all the missing balloons."  
"At last we're getting somewhere."  
"Also I think Mike and Jessica might have been having sex when we went to their apartment."  
"You only think?"  
"Well, I think they might have been fighting I can't make mind up. Maybe we shouldn't have left them alone."

Steven let out a groan. Maybe his parents hadn't given her the talk because they weren't stupid. He let out a sigh and decided to drill some sense into her.

"They were fucking! Get over it!"  
"How can you use such vulgar language, Steven?"  
"I can say what I damn well please, Elizabeth!"  
"I'm calling Mommy!"  
"Go ahead. Call Mom."

Lila leaned over to Bruce and began to whisper. Elizabeth leaned over the table in an attempt to hear the conversation. She knew they were talking about her. They were saying mean things.

"Has she always been this immature?"  
"I think so, Li."  
"I am not immature! You're just mad that I hit my head that day and woke up from my amnesia!"  
"Liz, I am so glad you weren't in the Unicorns. You would have killed it."

"I was too good for the unicorns."  
"In your dreams. We'd never have let you in!"  
"Whatever! I'm above things like that!"  
"Bruce, why have you gone all quiet?"  
"I was just thinking back to that night." sighing "I got to touch her breast and everything!"  
"She really let you do that?"  
"Yep."  
"Elizabeth the frigid?"  
"Yep."  
"Wow, you've gotten further than any man ever has!"

Elizabeth was appalled. They were saying that she was frigid. Elizabeth was as open and warm as her twin. It was if Lila and Bruce didn't realise that fact. Maybe Lila was jealous of her purity.

"You're not jealous, Li?"  
"No. Just shocked. At Elizabeth."  
"Why would she be jealous? You just proved that Liz isn't totally asexual!"  
"What does that mean Billie?"  
"You're funny Liz."  
"No, really!"  
"You mean you really don't know?"

Now Billie was saying she was asexual. Elizabeth didn't understand why.

"I know what asexual means but I can't believe you'd suggest that's what I am."  
"Come on, Liz, you're not exactly the most passionate person on earth."  
"I can be very passionate when I want to be."  
"I'm sure you can, Liz, but it's not like it ever goes above a certain level, is it?"  
"And what's wrong with that?"  
"You see this why I'm not the tiniest bit jealous. Bruce knows how great I am in bed; I let him touch both breasts!"

"Steven knows how great I am too!"

Elizabeth was horrified! She began to stammer uncontrollably.

"Billie! Lila! That's degrading!"

"Actually, no it's not."  
"You're letting a man take advantage of you!"  
"Me and Bruce love each other."  
"Oh yeah? Prove it then."  
"Number 53? Your order is ready. Number 53."  
"That's us, Steve!"  
"Wouldn't want to let it get cold!"

Billie and Steven walked away from the group. Billie pulled out an AMEX and handed it to the cashier. Smiling, the young man scanned it.

"Your total comes to $50.35. Thank you for your patronage."  
"No problem."  
"Would you be interested in our limited time offer?"  
"What is it?"  
"If you buy a Newman's Own coffee in any size, you get a complementary hot chocolate of the same size."

Billie turned a deep green and walked away from the counter. Steven quickly followed, carrying the trays of food. Elizabeth was deeply in conversation when they approached. They sat down unnoticed.

"Maybe Todd is still waiting, too."  
"What about him and Lauren?"  
"I know him well and Todd will wait until he is in love. Lauren was probably sleeping over because she was drinking and Todd was a gentleman and let her stay over his house."  
"What about him and Dana?"  
"He would not sleep with Dana, trust me. They were kissing passionately, not having sex. I'm sure of it."  
"Do you think Nick and Jess got it on in a hot tub?"  
"What? He was too busy with detective work to think about that. If they were in a hot tub naked they were probably taking a bath together."

During the break in conversation, Billie chimed in.

"Thanks Liz! You made me look like a damn fool over there!"  
"What happened?"  
"They asked if we wanted free hot chocolate and all I could picture was your mom saying that that was how I got pregnant!"  
"They're running a prostitution ring! Call the cops!"  
"Elizabeth! They are not! You can't get pregnant by drinking hot chocolate."  
"You can't?"  
"No."  
"There's something I've been wondering."  
"What?!"  
"Can people take baths in hot tubs?"  
"In theory. Nick and Jess weren't."

"Is Todd still a virgin?"

"Will you ever grow up?!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Bruce saw Todd enter the restaurant. Dana was a few yards behind him and she was carting her cello.

"Speaking of Todd - Yo Todd, over here!"  
"Bruce do you have to be so loud!"  
"Is it my fault my voice is so wonderful that all the other diners want to hear it!"  
"I'm out of here. There's no way I'm staying here with him. Not when he's seeing that whore Dana!"  
"Liz, don't be stupid. He's seen you now."  
"Hi guys, is it ok if I join you?"

Every one nods in agreement except for Liz. She looks down at her big kids meal in embarrassment. Todd sat on the booth next to Billie. He turned to her and tried to think of something to say.

"So, what have you guys been up to?"

"Trust me Todd, you don't want to know."

"Is it true that Elizabeth is chasing after Mike?"  
"Yeah."

"Jessica's Mike?"

"Yep."

"You bitch! I can't believe you'd make a big deal about me and Dana when you've be running around with your sister's ex-husband."

"Todd- I know that you probably haven't had sex yet, but they are saying that you aren't a virgin- please tell me they are making this up and you are pure."

"Of course I am! Is she on some sort of medication?"

Billie rolled her eyes in disgust before she responded. Steven temporally stopped feeding her his fries so she could answer.

"I doubt it, she's been acting like this all day."  
"Are any of you taking advantage of the giveaway?"

Everyone except Liz responded with a unison no. Todd looked quite perplexed at the response.

"Why not?"

"It's too fattening!"

"Most are inferior to Godiva!"

"Elizabeth made me to never want to drink it again!"

"Yeah!"

"Hot chocolate? What?"  
"Oh apparently you can pregnant from drinking it."  
"Have I entered some kind of alternate universe?"  
"Todd, what do you think your doing sitting with her?"  
"Dana, they asked I thought it would be rude."  
"So how is little Miss Priss today?"  
"I'm fine Dana now that I've got you and Tom out of my life."  
"Oh come on, you miss the excitement."  
"So how are you coping without the sex?"  
"What?"  
"Well I know you haven't been sleeping with Todd."  
"What? You naive little cow - we've doing it at least twice a night, sometimes five!"  
"You liar!"

"Elizabeth, please!"

"I'm so sorry, Dana."

Meanwhile, back at Mike's apartment…

"Mike... Why did I ever settle for that cop when I had this? That time in the hot tub can't compare."  
"I know... I totally own that nerdy cop."

Nick Fox was spying on the couple. He had heard the man say that it was Jessica, but Nick knew that that wasn't true. Jessica was in mourning. It was probably Elizabeth pretending to be her.

" I'm so much better than my nerdy sister as well, aren't I Mike?"  
"Hell yeah, she wouldn't even let me take her bra off!"

Nick was getting sort of turned on by the scene in front of him.

"Harder, baby! Right there!"  
"Why did we break up?"  
"We still can't stand each other. Also, if we hadn't broken up, they wouldn't have been able to kill Nick."

This must be Liz. Jessica loved him. She would never say such mean things.

"Who cares if we couldn't stand each other? We could have just spent all our time fucking."  
"I don't remember doing all that much else other than having sex and fighting."  
"We hung out at the garage together."  
"And fucked!"

"What did you do with Nick?"

"A lousy fumble in the hot tub."

Jessica looked out the window. She could hear someone. She wondered who it was.

"Do you hear something?"  
"It better not be Liz."  
"But it would be a learning experience for her."

"Poor Liz would never recover from shock."  
"A few real life demonstrations might help her get over it."  
"Oh yeah, and what exactly are you suggesting we demonstrate to her?"

"What do you think?"

"She's already walked in on your brother, Jess. I doubt it's her."

"I'll get rid of her."  
"Fine. Go."  
"I'm not leaving Mike."  
'What are you gonna do then?"  
"Ship her over to Steve's"

A minute later Jessica returned. An annoyed expression on her face, she managed to inform Mike of Elizabeth's disappearance. Mike insisted they look for her.

Elizabeth was agreeing to have a threesome with Todd. Bruce had convinced her that it meant three people enjoying a hot fudge Sunday. She could tell that everyone didn't think she knew what it meant. Elizabeth wasn't that stupid.


End file.
